Hey all, from the midst of chaos! This whole month is FLYING by and I am attributing it to the hectic state of everything that we have been doing over the past few weeks. Moving, changing Gabbi’s school, getting our townhouse ready to rent and squeezing in all of fun fall activities we don’t want to miss out on is leaving me exhausted, without patience and stripped of confidence in our choice to move a little bit. I mean the days don’t seem that bad individually, but all together its adding up to a lot. The girls have been crazy and I have been less than nice on a few occasions with them because of all of this…chaos. Just one more reason to doubt whether or not I am making the right choices…
Sometimes it feels like we never know if we are choosing to do the right thing.
As a mom, self doubt creeps in constantly. I mean, my whole life I wanted to be a wife and a mother. The way that I was brought into motherhood was not at all how I had dreamed it would be when I was young, but it was thrust upon none the less. I was ecstatic and scared all at the same time, but I think that the fact that there were always people around me waiting for me to fail at parenting put a lot of pressure on me right from the beginning.
Once I found Jesus, I knew that He would give me the strength to be not only the person I wanted to be, but the mother as well. But it was still a tough road. Even with help from family, single parenthood has its major struggles and you just never feel like you are doing anything right. I prayed constantly for the Lord to bring someone into our lives, and He was faithful. 3 years ago yesterday I married the man who would turn out to be the best husband and father I ever could have imagined.
It didn’t take long for us to start adding to our family, Autumn in the 1st year, Scarlet in the 2nd and now Emerson in the 3rd. We believe our quickly growing family was do to both a choice to be open to God’s timing, as well as a blessing from the Lord….
But it seems lately that DAILY I have to remind myself that it is a blessing. And not because of any feelings I have towards being a mom or raising a larger family, but because of my own inadequacies that I feel throughout the day. Daily, I am wondering if these choices that we make are the right ones. “Was moving the right choice?”, “Am I setting a good example for my girls daily??”, “Do I yell too much?”, “Where is my patience?”, “Will the girls like me as they get older?” (My husband likes to laugh at this one!), “Can I even handle another baby??” and my favorite “What am I doing now that is going to mess my kids up in the future?”….
There are days when I look at these beautiful, wonderful little souls and I think “Of all the women in the world Lord, how could you ever entrust me?”…
and self doubt isn’t just something that is plaguing me in motherhood, but it creeps up elsewhere throughout parts of my life as well. In the beginning of my marriage (and still some days now), I wonder if I am being a good wife. I look at relationships with my parents, and I wonder if I am good enough as a daughter, with my siblings if I have always been a good sister….with the Lord if I am a good follower…
It can be overwhelming. And I knew in my heart that there was only one person that could pull me out of the darkness of self doubt….so I began to pray…
And that’s when I saw the Proverbs 31 ministries was starting an online bible study entitled “A Confident Heart”….BAM – I felt as though the Lord was pointing me right to it, saying “Look at all these women who are struggling with same self doubt as you. Learn from them, with them, and grow in my confidence in you!” I signed up immediately and the first week has not left me disappointed.
One of the topics for the blog hop this week was to refute the doubts with what you are going to choose to believe that the Lord says about you….and I thought it was such a wonderful place to start. So that is why I have decided to be open and vulnerable with all of you and share it on here.
As of today, I am choosing to believe:
-That God has confidence in me as a mother, and therefore I can have confidence in myself
-That the Lord chose me as Mama to these girls because He knows that I can not only handle it, but that I can do the best job raising them as long as I rely on Him
– That I am a good enough (or more than good enough ) spouse, and though a marriage is something that constantly needs care and attention, I can rest in the fact that my husband will be happy with me and that our marriage will stand up to all the things that will come our way in the future…
– That despite any decisions in the past, I am a good enough person – to be a good enough daughter, friend and sister – and the Lord will continue to bless all of those relationships.
– That the Lord will continue to use my writing to bless others (another HUGE source of doubt for me) and so I will continue to do so, despite feel inadequately equipped at times.
– That self – doubt is a tool of the enemy to deplete our confidence not only in ourselves, but our confidence in the Lord’s direction for us all
There was a line in the book where the author said that she heard the Lord whisper to her “You can only see the shadow because you have turned away from the light. Turn back toward the light…”
Today I am choosing to turn away from the shadow and towards the light to gleam confidence for myself…..
and you can too!!
Because moms or not, we all have times where we doubt our worth, lack confidence in ourselves and don’t feel good enough.
The Lord wants you all to know, that He sees you, He knows your worth….you just need to start looking at yourself through His light and not the shadow of your own insecurities.
So what is holding you back from confidence in yourself? What causes you the most self doubt?? Let’s all pray for each other to grow from this and become women of God with confident hearts!
“So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.”