There have been a lot of things in my life as a mom that no one told me about.
No one told me how hard it could be, no one told me how lonely it could be.
No one told me that your body could suddenly go out of whack and you could suddenly become so anxious and depressed that you were a completely different person for months….
No one told me that recovery could be so hard. That finding myself in the midst of this season could take so long. That setbacks would happen, even when I thought everything was back in its right place.
Not having full control of your mind is scary. It is the scariest thing I have ever experienced, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Intrusive thoughts, shaky hands and a fear you can’t even begin to describe.
I am better. Better than I was last week, last month and last year. But I still get panic attacks. I still suffer from anxiety so much sometimes it hurts. I still get angry, at times, that this is the path God designed for me to walk.
But He did. Relapse is a part of recovery. I get addicted to trying to “fix” myself, my situation, my illness. I am learning to let go. To allow the bad days, and learn how to realize that a bad day doesn’t make a bad me. I cannot be defined by my weakness.
When the darkness creeps back in, we have to remember that it only remains dark as long as we focus on it. We can choose to fight back, to shift our focus to the light and to slowly allow it to shine brighter.
Prayer. Friends. Support. Medication.
Whatever it takes, whatever path of recovery God has designed for you, use it.
But more importantly, learn from it. Allow the setbacks to help you grow. Decide to not let the weak parts of you win, but choose to let God shine through your weakness.
Own it. All of it. The good and the bad, the easy and the hard, the pretty and the ugly.
Because every single part of your story is beautiful, even if you can’t see it.